The Virginian-Pilot Archives

February 5, 2001
Moms get momentary break in battle with child's cancer

By STEVE STONE
© 2001, The Virginian-Pilot
NORFOLK -- It was a moment of escape. A moment of indulgence. A moment of relaxation. Massages and tea; eyebrow waxing and hair styling.
But most of all for 15 women dealing with the unanticipated, daily challenges of raising and supporting a child with cancer, ``Mothers Day Out'' was a moment of camaraderie.
A chance to talk with someone who understands.
``The activities are a bonus,'' said Terri Thompson, 40, of Chesapeake, whose son Ryan, 11, was diagnosed two years ago with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. ``The real payoff is having the chance to be around other women who share the same feelings.''
Lee's Friends, a hospice for cancer victims now entering its 22nd year of service, played host to the event Sunday afternoon at its facility behind Christ and St. Luke's Church in Stockley Gardens, in the Ghent neighborhood.
``It's nice to come to a place where everyone knows what you are feeling,'' Thompson said. ``You can talk about your experiences and not worry that you are going to scare anyone.''
Doctors can talk with parents about medical care, nurses can lend support and advice, counselors can help the parents understand their feelings. But, she said, only another parent of a child with cancer understands.
``There is just a tremendous amount of anguish that just sits in your gut and doesn't go anywhere,'' Thompson said. ``It just becomes numbing. You go through every day just because you have to . . . one foot in front of the other until you reach the end of that day. Then you begin all over again the next morning.''
Thompson said that even the most well-intentioned friends are unable to cope with the details of what it's like for a parent of a child with cancer. They want to be supportive, but they ``actually withdraw because they don't know how to respond to all the pain and fear.''
Even at the hospital, surrounded by the parents of other ill children, it's hard to talk.
``At the clinic, you withdraw into yourself and your child,'' Thompson said. ``You may exchange comments and chit-chat with the other parents, but it's not the type of place where you can share.''
The pressures are ``equally hard on both parents,'' Thompson said. But men and women handle them differently. ``The emotional outlet is more important to women.''
On Sunday, between a massage and tea but absent the eyebrow waxing -- ``I'll pass on that,'' Thompson said -- she met another mother whose child has the same cancer as her son.
``Just having the chance to share our little medication stories was nice,'' Thompson said.
But she doesn't know if they'll be able to stay in touch. Both have other children to care for. The daily grind is demanding. Time is precious and fleeting.
``I hope I'll see her again,'' Thompson said. ``But I don't know. That's why things like this are nice.''
That's an understatement, said Mary Butler, an oncology social worker at Children's Hospital of The King's Daughters.
``It's invaluable. Absolutely invaluable,'' she said. ``Most of our job is about getting people together where parents can be with parents. They are the experts.''
Butler said she's often been surprised at how quickly parents are able to turn from the first emotionally debilitating moment when they are told a child has cancer to becoming a warrior against the disease.
``I'm always amazed at their strength, how they so quickly go through the period of denial and absolute terror to, within a few weeks, being experts on cancer,'' she said. ``The doctors are very honest, so they have to deal with it. But it's truly amazing how things come together so quickly.''
Often, there's near-fanatical commitment.
``It requires tremendous attention and care,'' Butler said. ``In order for your child to get better, you have to go down that road with your blinders on.''
It can be exhausting, especially with all the other unyielding requirements of daily life; especially for parents with more than one child.
That makes events like Sunday's all the more valuable.
``It is a way to get away from the reality of what is going on at home, obviously a very stressful situation, and to have a treat,'' said Emily Filer, whose daughter, Lee, was diagnosed at 16 with Hodgkins disease. Though she did not survive, her name lives on in the work of Lee's Friends.
Before she died, she created the Lee Harkins Endowment with Filer, her father, the late George A. Harkins, and other family and friends.
A year later, Filer founded Lee's Friends, an organization that helps local cancer patients and their families with one-on-one personal support, supplies and transportation to doctor appointments.
Filer, who serves as executive director, said the group helps families of all types of young cancer patients. All services are free.
All volunteers go through a 25-hour accredited training course before being matched with a client. More than 900 have completed the course and about 400 volunteers are currently active.
``It is indescribable stress,'' Filer said, referring to parenting a child with cancer. ``You are sailing on a boat down a river, going into the rapids and you never know what any day is going to bring.''
She wishes there had been such a support group for her.
``A day like today would have been incredible for me,'' she said. ``And that's why we are doing it.''

This article is © 1990 Landmark Communications Inc. and may not be republished without permission. If you have questions or comments about the archives, please send us feedback.

February 5, 2001 Moms get momentary break in battle with child's cancer By STEVE STONE © 2001, The Virginian-Pilot NORFOLK -- It was a moment of escape. A moment of indulgence. A moment of relaxation. Massages and tea; eyebrow waxing and hair styling. But most of all for 15 women dealing with the unanticipated, daily challenges of raising and supporting a child with cancer, ``Mothers Day Out'' was a moment of camaraderie. A chance to talk with someone who understands. ``The activities are a bonus,'' said Terri Thompson, 40, of Chesapeake, whose son Ryan, 11, was diagnosed two years ago with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. ``The real payoff is having the chance to be around other women who share the same feelings.'' Lee's Friends, a hospice for cancer victims now entering its 22nd year of service, played host to the event Sunday afternoon at its facility behind Christ and St. Luke's Church in Stockley Gardens, in the Ghent neighborhood. ``It's nice to come to a place where everyone knows what you are feeling,'' Thompson said. ``You can talk about your experiences and not worry that you are going to scare anyone.'' Doctors can talk with parents about medical care, nurses can lend support and advice, counselors can help the parents understand their feelings. But, she said, only another parent of a child with cancer understands. ``There is just a tremendous amount of anguish that just sits in your gut and doesn't go anywhere,'' Thompson said. ``It just becomes numbing. You go through every day just because you have to . . . one foot in front of the other until you reach the end of that day. Then you begin all over again the next morning.'' Thompson said that even the most well-intentioned friends are unable to cope with the details of what it's like for a parent of a child with cancer. They want to be supportive, but they ``actually withdraw because they don't know how to respond to all the pain and fear.'' Even at the hospital, surrounded by the parents of other ill children, it's hard to talk. ``At the clinic, you withdraw into yourself and your child,'' Thompson said. ``You may exchange comments and chit-chat with the other parents, but it's not the type of place where you can share.'' The pressures are ``equally hard on both parents,'' Thompson said. But men and women handle them differently. ``The emotional outlet is more important to women.'' On Sunday, between a massage and tea but absent the eyebrow waxing -- ``I'll pass on that,'' Thompson said -- she met another mother whose child has the same cancer as her son. ``Just having the chance to share our little medication stories was nice,'' Thompson said. But she doesn't know if they'll be able to stay in touch. Both have other children to care for. The daily grind is demanding. Time is precious and fleeting. ``I hope I'll see her again,'' Thompson said. ``But I don't know. That's why things like this are nice.'' That's an understatement, said Mary Butler, an oncology social worker at Children's Hospital of The King's Daughters. ``It's invaluable. Absolutely invaluable,'' she said. ``Most of our job is about getting people together where parents can be with parents. They are the experts.'' Butler said she's often been surprised at how quickly parents are able to turn from the first emotionally debilitating moment when they are told a child has cancer to becoming a warrior against the disease. ``I'm always amazed at their strength, how they so quickly go through the period of denial and absolute terror to, within a few weeks, being experts on cancer,'' she said. ``The doctors are very honest, so they have to deal with it. But it's truly amazing how things come together so quickly.'' Often, there's near-fanatical commitment. ``It requires tremendous attention and care,'' Butler said. ``In order for your child to get better, you have to go down that road with your blinders on.'' It can be exhausting, especially with all the other unyielding requirements of daily life; especially for parents with more than one child. That makes events like Sunday's all the more valuable. ``It is a way to get away from the reality of what is going on at home, obviously a very stressful situation, and to have a treat,'' said Emily Filer, whose daughter, Lee, was diagnosed at 16 with Hodgkins disease. Though she did not survive, her name lives on in the work of Lee's Friends. Before she died, she created the Lee Harkins Endowment with Filer, her father, the late George A. Harkins, and other family and friends. A year later, Filer founded Lee's Friends, an organization that helps local cancer patients and their families with one-on-one personal support, supplies and transportation to doctor appointments. Filer, who serves as executive director, said the group helps families of all types of young cancer patients. All services are free. All volunteers go through a 25-hour accredited training course before being matched with a client. More than 900 have completed the course and about 400 volunteers are currently active. ``It is indescribable stress,'' Filer said, referring to parenting a child with cancer. ``You are sailing on a boat down a river, going into the rapids and you never know what any day is going to bring.'' She wishes there had been such a support group for her. ``A day like today would have been incredible for me,'' she said. ``And that's why we are doing it.''


This article is © 1990 Landmark Communications Inc. and may not be republished without permission. If you have questions or comments about the archives, please send us feedback.